Marriage: Capstone or Cornerstone?

 A Christianity Today article "Don't Diss the Early-Married," caught my eye this morning. In my humble opinion, it is an article of particular value to those who occupy the profession that was mine for most of my adult life--pastoring a small to medium-sized local church.

One of the catch-statements that I used to describe one aspect of my ministry was (I suppose still is), "I'm not in the marrying business, but I am glad to help build Godly Christian homes." Looking back on a forty-year + career it is clear to me that being involved in that family-building process has been one of the most important elements in doing lasting work--leaving something behind that will impact the world in a positive way for generations to come. "How to best do that?" is a very important question.

When a woman and man decide to "plight thee my troth" to one another, and they desire to involve the church including a pastor like I used to be in the process, it seems to me that some questions need to be answered.

• Who? 
  Biblical teaching on marriage indicates that there are people that one should not marry. Perhaps I'll pick that up in another post at another time.
• How? 
  I always made it a practice to require that grooms and brides-to-be go through premarital counseling. Actually, I think that the modeling of good family life within the church and the systematic teaching of the Word of God, which has a lot to say about families, is more important than those few sessions together. It is beyond doubt, however, that churches and pastors ought to address the question, "In this post-Christian, post-modern, (dare I say?) post-common-sense world in which we live, how does one build a Godly home?"
• When?
  When I look at my grandparent's generation, my own, and now the generation of my grandkids, I see that the age at which the typical couple marries has gone up. This is an observation that is verivied in the CT article, "Don’t Diss the Early-Marrieds." In many ways this this article is a follow-up to an article CT published thirteen years ago, "The Case for Early Marriage." It is this "When?" question that I want to highlight for a moment.

As I have already said the trend in our part and time of the world is for couples to marry later. Obviously, the matter of couples cohabiting prior to marriage is a factor, but not the only one. The recent CT article observes, for instance,  "The “capstone model” [referring to the later marriage trend] says you are supposed to have all your ducks in a row—education, some professional success, and a clear adult identity—before you marry." Is this a sentiment that is in line with the Biblical value system? For many, it is not. Way too often it reeks of materialism and hedonism. 

The question of "When?" is not just an individual question that needs to be put before prospective marriage partners; it is a societal matter that relates to the (if we can believe the surveys) nigh unto universal involvement of couples in premarital sex. Two trends overlap in a way that ought to interest those of us who are seeking to teach a Biblical, traditional Christian view of sexual morality. While the age at which people marry has been going up, the age of puberty--when a person can have, and usually wants to have, sex has been going down. Douse that with a liberal anointing of total freedom of self-expression with all societal restraint of free sexual expression removed and you have a big problem. 1 Corinthians 7:1-8 was written to a group of Christians who lived in a culture that was rife with sexual license. My target audience knows enough to put the statement into context, but the closing words of this section of Scripture are relevant to the topic. "[I]t is better to marry than to burn with passion." Yet the model that is put before those who are most likely to burn, folk in whom the flame was lit earlier than in the loins of their ancestors, says, "Wait! First, you need to get your education [which increasingly means not only a four-year college degree but post-grad work, as well. Get a good car, perhaps buy a house, and get some money in the bank." 

The church goes along with this trend at of peril undermining one of its important tasks--that of helping to build Godly families.

As the title of my blog implies, my view of the world is somewhat limited. Nevertheless, I'll close with a personal observation. As I look back over my ministry I note several families that began with marriages involving people who were clearly in the process of becoming. Their marriages were not capstones to early adulthood of personal achievement. They were more like the beginning of a mutual project. As I think about Bob and Susan, Pete and Carol, or Sally and Rob, who are now grandparents (not the couples' real names) I see that the Lord has given me the opportunity to push back against some of the destructive trends of the age in which I lived. In the right sense of the word, I'm proud of these families that God allowed me to have a part in. I'm glad they got started sooner rather than later.

(In case you didn't read the article I referenced, let me point out that it makes a distinction that I endorse. Neither the authors of the article nor I are encouraging teen marriage. While, by God's grace, some teen marriages end up producing wonderful families, far too often the marriage of two immature individuals is a faulty foundation that is not able to bear the weight of a solid family.)